the artist entrepreneur

I’ve always been the type of person who wants to try everything. Decision making hasn’t necessarily come easy to me. When I was seven, I wanted to be a veterinarian. At fourteen, the thought of race car driving enticed me (for a split second). Twenty-one, my love for snowboarding became somewhat of an obsession. How cool would that be? Sponsored at the very least. I even changed my instagram name to embody that persona, Doll Face. My mind was determined.

Now I’m twenty six. And none of those things have manifested into a paying career (or the others that weren’t mentioned). Not even close.

I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted because I wonder when I’ll ever get it right. It plays in my head, over and over like a scratched CD. My incomplete attempts, a mess inside mind. I can’t deny the truth that feels like failure. The truth that I’m on the constant prowl for fulfillment, no matter how full I feel. The truth that I feel so close to the person I want to be, then she dissolves right in front of me.

At twenty-six, I’ve surrendered. Again and again, until I get it right. I surrender.

I have to keep reminding myself that everything comes together in its time. That, maybe, I have too much focus on making something of myself and ignoring who I am already — an artist entrepreneur. Passionate and creative with an entrepreneurial mindset. An artist who knows no bounds. Or simply an artist which really means I’m just human. But at the very least, I am a writer.

My left and right brain have been at a constant battle, trying to find the balance between art and business, trying to understand how to make them work together.

Then it dawned on me that my passions don’t always have to be a product of money, they don’t always have to be something to strive for in a career. People need passions that are simply for enjoyment. And pursuing a passion as a career is an ongoing process and experiment.

So, once again, I surrender. With my hands up in the air. I want to always try new things solely for the enjoyment of the experiment. No pressure. There’s no guarantee I’ll get it right anyway.

To put it all rather simply, I don’t fit in a box or a specifically curated niche. And I prefer it that way.

xo Bai