BIG FISh: Back & better than before

Maybe you’re new here. Or maybe you can remember back to a few years ago..

I was 20 years old and it was November of 2017 when I had given my first attempt to blogging. I called it, Big Fish. I stole the name from a movie I watched as kid; it’s about a guy who tries to determine fact from fiction in stories from his dying father’s life. I also used that name to create a logo and print a few T-Shirts before I quickly realized I wouldn’t be a famous fashion designer — but I have to give it to myself, the logo I came up with was pretty sick.

I loved the name Big Fish because, not only did I love the movie, it also made me realize that I could be.. bigger. I was extremely shy as a kid and I had a lack of confidence, which made me feel really small. Not to mention all of the commentary I’ve ever heard about my height of 5’2. I was a small girl with big dreams and Big Fish allowed me to claim something bigger for myself, something bigger than myself. Then I realized that I am bigger. “I am bigger than my insecurities, I am bigger than my fears, I am bigger than my pain, etc., etc.” It was a turning point in my life for sure. And to my own surprise, it lasted up until June of 2019, I had no recollection of how much I actually posted until I dug up the time capsule to give myself a refresher.

I stopped posting because I started to care too much about what people think. I would get nervous and paranoid every time I hit publish. And, guilty to a fault, I wasn’t getting much traction which made me think that nobody cared and that I shouldn’t be posting anyway. I let myself become small again, in this realm anyway. But I have no doubt that things happen for a reason and that I’m back here now because I had so much to learn before.

In the past six years, I went to school and got my AAS in Journalism. So I didn’t stop writing, I just decided I needed a more educational approach. I loved college, it’s not for everyone, I agree, but it was absolutely for me. I learned a lot about myself and what I actually enjoyed doing. I think that’s because I really applied myself in the areas I was interested in. During my first semester I had some poetry, art, and photography published in the SLCC Folio Magazine; my english professor encouraged me to submit my work. Not only was it fucking awesome to have my work published in an actual “publication” for the first time, it was so empowering to have a college professor believe that I was good enough to do it. In my last semester, I took on a position as staff writer for The Globe Newspaper, and the Radio Promotions Director for RadioSLCC. Between writing articles and scripts for radio, I was feeling pretty sharp.

Oh yeah, I had also started a cleaning business in the meantime: Busy B’s Residential Cleaning, LLC. So, once I graduated from college, I decided to take a step back from writing and focus on my business. Being in that position was great for me, I was able to make my own schedule, charge per my price, and really just do whatever the hell I wanted. The downside of that was the physical demand and the fact that it was a one woman show. Cleaning houses is exhausting, please tip your maid.

We’re almost caught up.

When I heard my first podcast by Joe Rogan in 2017, an idea sparked. I thought it would be so cool to do what he does, just hang out and have conversations with all types of people all the time. So, naturally… I had to give it a try. I posted my first episode of The Endless Podcast earlier this year, in April. Of course, I wasn’t quite up to par with Joe, solely recording little snippets of my mind in my closet. Eventually I worked up the courage to bring a few guests on. After a while, it became pretty daunting. I set myself up on a tight schedule of posting an episode every Monday. Which I think is important, the self discipline needs to be fully present in these types of endeavors. However, I made an agreement with myself, before starting, that I wanted to do this for fun and the minute it’s not fun anymore I don’t want to do it (there could be some arguments there.. I know). It was pretty short lived, but I’m not giving up on it. It’ll just have to stay in my back pocket for now.

But I have to be honest, just this past year was tough. I went through A LOT of changes, and some of my most exciting moments were conflicted, due to situational reasons. After doing a year of therapy and getting back to a good place with my family, I just needed a fucking break. But of course, full circle moment, I’m back in therapy and I couldn’t be happier about it. And I’m back in a really good place with myself. I’m a scorpio, so death and rebirth is a constant for me. While I’ve made a few stops and pulled a few turns, I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I can achieve. And this is the rebirth of my writing career.

Here’s to having big dreams,

xo Bai

This is the logo that I printed on those ten or so T-Shirts.